helpless

lately i just feel really helpless. over half a year ago i couldn't stop the crash from happening. i couldn't stop the boy from going through the months of rehab just so he could do a simple thing like walk again. and currently, i cant stop the cancer from spreading through a dearly loved husband, father, and grandfather. i couldn't stop a son and brother from having this accident tonight. and i couldn't stop God from taking a little girl away from her family.

you see, the last one really shook me up. i didn't even know the one year old little girl. i didn't even know her parents. all i knew was that one day she was there and the next day she was gone. one day she was healthy and the next she wasn't. and when i found out she died, i just felt a tiny part of my heart die right along with her.

i've wanted to be a mom for quite a while. not right away, since i'm only seventeen, but definitely one day. and then i hear she died and suddenly i felt scared and sad and angry and just really, completely and utterly helpless.

i would sit in church just thinking about how hard it must be for her parents. one week their little girl is playing with her toys, sitting in her little chair at the table with her mommy and daddy, or even perhaps crying at night. and then the next week it's quiet. she's just gone.

i couldn't help but place myself in her mom's shoes and picture my little girl all of a sudden not being there. that all of a sudden i could sleep through the entire night because my little girl wasn't alive anymore to cry and wake me up. and yet if i were really in her mom's shoes, i know i wouldn't be able to sleep at all because i would be so lost and heartbroken without my baby.

the whole idea of losing my child scared me so badly that i told dan i didn't want to have kids anymore. i think me saying it to him hurt him. but at the time that's what i was really feeling. the idea of having a child, only to have it live for nine months terrified me. i know that i'm not strong enough to stand through that kind of pain; that kind of separation and hurt.

and i know that most of you who read this are going to tell me that when the time comes, God will be there. that if one day He decides to give me a child, only to take it back to Himself a short while later, that it's okay because it's His plan. that although it may not seem like it, He really does have a purpose for it. but honestly, right now i think i'm just so confused as to how it's even remotely fair of Him to pull this little girl away. she was eleven days shy of turning one. she was so young and yet He still felt the need to take her away? why does it always seem like it's either the real youngs ones or the most Godly people alive that suffer the most? how is that even fair?

pausing to reflect

Sometimes life changes. But that doesn't mean you can't remember the old times- the good times. Today at lunch we sat around our dining room table, reminiscing. We all had our own memories- some different than eachothers, yet alot of them the same. Bringing up all of those memories made me smile. They made me happy. And they made a little piece of me wish I was young again. But the fact is: all these memories and events made me into the person I am today. And for that I am thankful. I never deserved to have those times and yet I was blessed with them. I'm not sure why because I know I certainly wasn't a good kid. In fact, I think I caused my parents alot of pain and hurt. Yet for some reason, God chose to bless me with a family that loves me. He chose to bless me with a constant home. He chose to bless us with food and water and with a bed on which we could lay our heads. He chose to bless me with friends that care about me and that also love me. And He chose to keep me relatively healthy. And for that I truely am thankful!

The Bible Brain Teaser

our church put this little brain teaser on the back of our church bulliten this weekend and i decided to share it with those who enjoy these types of things. dan and i had a great time trying to find the sixteen Bible books in this paragraph. of course, we kinda cheated by looking at mel's first!

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there are names of sixteen books of the Bible mentioned in the paragraphy below. see how many you can find. (a preacher found 15 books in 20 minutes, but it took him three weeks to find the 16th one!)

"I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu; kept people looking so hard for facts, and for others, it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the name of the books were not capitalized. But the truth finally struck home to numbers of our readers. To others it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help find them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of them, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are sixteen names of books of the Bible in this paragraph."

friday 5: lessons

What kind of out-of-school lessons did you take as a kid? nothing. i went to school, came home, and hung-out with my friends up the street. i learned that everyone is different. for example, some kids cry easier than others. and i learned that i couldnt have everything for myself (although i definitely still tried!).

What valuable lesson did you learn this past week? that i need to grow up and stop feeling sorry for myself. i need to let go of my boyfriend perhaps even a little so that he wont feel so "sat on" and i need to get a life. yea, this week may have been somewhat tough on my thoughts.

Who in your life really needs to be taught a lesson? definitely me. thats a given. i think that really, everyone has at least one lesson they need to be taught. i cant really think of anyone specific right now.

What kinds of lessons would you love to have a private teacher for right now? photography lessons! thats a definite. i would absolutely LOVE that. i really, really would.

What steps have you taken to lessen the impact of these rough economic times? nothing really. i honestly havent felt them here. i mean, sure, there are things around me that are changing because of it. but i wouldnt really say anything in MY life has changed.

- taken from www.friday5.org. new questions posted weekly.

my week so far

my week of "freedom". too bad i havent exactally looked at it that way. sure, ive gone out with my friends and have plans for the remainder of the week too, but im still missing my bestfriend and i still plan on spending the rest of my life with him. this week has been interesting, to say the least. bill, our baker at work, informed today that i have been somewhat quiet and "different" this past week. he asked if i was okay and i was like, "yea?!". i really didnt notice that i was different and that me missing dan was coming out in my actions and stuff. so, to my family, friends and, co-workers, im sorry if ive been somewhat strange this week. and dan?- im sorry if i ruined ur trip.

monday, may 18

not going to lie. i spent a good chunk of my day crying and feeling sorry for myself. pathetic? most definitely. but i ended up following through with previously made coffee plans and at seven i met leanna at tim hortons. we had a great talk about dan and calv, marriage, our futures and everything else under the sun.

no bear was shot

rainy day

tuesday, may 19

worked from 6am to 2pm and had a fairly decent day. dan called :) but his service wasnt so great so his call got cut super short and we resorted to texting again. very, very slowly. oh well. at least we got to talk :) i spent my night with lana, having dessert at boston pizza and talking about our lives. man, we really hadnt hung-out in FOREVER and it felt real refreshing to catch up! thanks lana. love you! ♥

up where the bear hunt was happening, a down fall of 5cm of snow was also happening! so the hunting "gang" spent most of their day hanging out. then they went out and saw some tracks.

didnt shoot a bear though :(

rain and thunderstorms down here

wednesday, may 20

worked 8-4 which sucked. im so use to working 6-2 so whenever 2 rolls around i feel like i should be leaving! the sleeping in felt great though. and i got to work with both anna and nella, which was super fun! spent my night watching a few dukes of hazard's, helping mel fill candy bags for the hockey tournament on friday, and then reading my book. dan called at had great service so we gotta talk for quite a while. of course, his battery ended up dying but.. oh well!? :)

no luck for the bear hunting group so they ended up packing up their tents and heading two hours closer to home! and me!! :) they spent the night in a "ritzy" motel for only $40 a night, per room. saw some tracks, not sure about bears though. definitely didnt shoot one.

rain and somberish down here

and then there's today...

thursday, may 21

ive always considered thursday to be the "1/2" sort of mark for the week. or well, definitely the first day of the "2nd 1/2". so im thrilled to announce that, not counting the remainder of today, dan will be coming home in two full days!! i cant wait to see him late saturday night, early sunday morning.

today was free iced coffee day. CRAZY! im going to shoot whoever thought of the idea. of course it was one of those tdl guys who sits in a tim hortons office all day thinking of rules, more food ideas, and well.. ideas. nice of him, eh? of course, hes not the one who has to serve it to every single customer that wants one! i was in drive-thru with one other girl so it was sort of crazy. our manager ended up standing there making iced coffee's for everyone. its crazy and its definitely not fast making.

1. first you gotta grab the cup. duh right?
2. then two shots of cream according to the size
3. then the vanilla base
4. then the flavor shot optional. i usually opt for about a half inch of french vanilla. its good :) but of course, i get priviledges cuz i work there. you might not be so lucky!
5. add the ice
6. add the iced coffee from the "coffee cooling" machine
7. and stir/shake

ugh! not cool.

today's acension day so, off to church i shall be in a few hours. which is fine :) and ill getta see all my friends AND talk to them after church for however long i so desire. which may be long, may not.

still no little fish. dan thinks my fish "sam" is pregnant. however, ive had her for like, two weeks for sure and still no little fish. shucks! oh well. she sure is getting fat! maybe its all that food i feed her :)

dans been out most of the day as far as i can tell. no texting really happening between the two of us which im taking to mean he's out tracking the big fat bear that hes (hopefully) going to shoot! my fingers are crossed that they shoot three today so that they can come home tonight but i know my hoping is going to turn out to be in vain. of course they wont shoot three bears today. especially cuz they havent shot any yet today! and its already 4:30.

the weather has smartened up and is BEAUTIFUL today :) so much for the predicted rain. im so glad we didnt get it though!

2mrw is the hockey tournament at school. not quite sure if thats where ill end up. i dont have to work 2mrw, or saturday! yay! but next week i get a great five day week. which is great :) more money for my empty pocket book. not to mention that $34 cheque i got in the mail from the gov't! :)

oma's heading over here 2mrw as well, from her home of holland. the language difference has always been somewhat of a barrier between us kids and her. not to mention she can get a little bossy at times. but hey, shes our oma right? we gotta love her! and we do! :)

friday night and saturday is the youth "weekend". we got youth coming from two other frc churches in alberta and we're going to have lots of games and hopefully, lots of fun. if all else fails, itll give me an opportunity to take some pictures. yay! me ♥ pictures.

id like to send out a special thanks to a few people for just being there for me this week:

1. of course, my family. theyve tried their best to give me things to do.
2. lee: for going for coffee with me monday night and for suggesting we go again tonight after church. too bad i have a curfew eh?! :) ♥
3. lana: for going for dessert with me tuesday and including me in the youth weekend plans. xox
4. dan: for talking to me every chance he gets. i love you and miss you lots ♥♥♥
5. anna and nella: for cheering me up at work and putting that smile back on my face
6. darren: for offering to teach me how to dirt bike.. on dan's bike. too bad the tire got ruined! i would have loved to learn :)
7. and last, but definitely not least, kelly! it seems that even though shes all the way in ontario, she senses when im down. and then texts messages me and makes me smile :) love you!
8. and everyone else at work who have tried to make work fun. this past week especially.

There's always gonna be another mountain- I'm always gonna make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle- sometimes Im gonna have to lose. Aint about how fast I get there, aint about whats waiting on the other side. Its the climb!

- "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus

what would you do?!

lately ive been watching this tv show called "friday night lights". im only a few disks into the season but its caused me to stop and think about one thing. if a loved one got seriously hurt, would i still be there for them, or would i step away? or perhaps, would i outwardly be there but inwardly be backing away?

its a difficult question- one id like to think i have the proper answer for. id like to think id be there both outwardly and inwardly. after all, i loved them for who they were; why couldnt i continue loving them for who they were?

all i know is this:
it would be extremely hard, no matter who the person was.

think about it. do you love this person enough to still be there for them if something serious happens? or would you run the other way then?

nrc or frc?

so dan and i have a big decision ahead of us. one that may affect us for the rest of our lives. which just makes the whole deciding part that much harder. i think another reason we arent jumping to make the decision is because we both want it our way. dan wants to go to his church because thats where he grew up and i want to go to mine because thats how i was brought up. but is there really even that great a difference between the nrc (netherlands reformed church) and the frc (free reformed church)? as far as i can tell, not really. i mean sure, the nrc sings slower and they dont use people's names when they pray, but that shouldnt be the reasoning behind me saying my church is better. as far as i can tell, the preaching is very similar (although maybe its just rev. sonnevelt who preaches more like our church does?!). my dad said he can see the frc becoming more liberal in their ways. like in what they sing, what version of the Bible they read, the issue of hats, etc. however, he said he can see the nrc staying more conservative, longer.

i just really am not sure what our decision's answer is going to be. we cant chose a church just to make our parents happy. it has to be our decision and what we feel is right. but what is right?