helpless

lately i just feel really helpless. over half a year ago i couldn't stop the crash from happening. i couldn't stop the boy from going through the months of rehab just so he could do a simple thing like walk again. and currently, i cant stop the cancer from spreading through a dearly loved husband, father, and grandfather. i couldn't stop a son and brother from having this accident tonight. and i couldn't stop God from taking a little girl away from her family.

you see, the last one really shook me up. i didn't even know the one year old little girl. i didn't even know her parents. all i knew was that one day she was there and the next day she was gone. one day she was healthy and the next she wasn't. and when i found out she died, i just felt a tiny part of my heart die right along with her.

i've wanted to be a mom for quite a while. not right away, since i'm only seventeen, but definitely one day. and then i hear she died and suddenly i felt scared and sad and angry and just really, completely and utterly helpless.

i would sit in church just thinking about how hard it must be for her parents. one week their little girl is playing with her toys, sitting in her little chair at the table with her mommy and daddy, or even perhaps crying at night. and then the next week it's quiet. she's just gone.

i couldn't help but place myself in her mom's shoes and picture my little girl all of a sudden not being there. that all of a sudden i could sleep through the entire night because my little girl wasn't alive anymore to cry and wake me up. and yet if i were really in her mom's shoes, i know i wouldn't be able to sleep at all because i would be so lost and heartbroken without my baby.

the whole idea of losing my child scared me so badly that i told dan i didn't want to have kids anymore. i think me saying it to him hurt him. but at the time that's what i was really feeling. the idea of having a child, only to have it live for nine months terrified me. i know that i'm not strong enough to stand through that kind of pain; that kind of separation and hurt.

and i know that most of you who read this are going to tell me that when the time comes, God will be there. that if one day He decides to give me a child, only to take it back to Himself a short while later, that it's okay because it's His plan. that although it may not seem like it, He really does have a purpose for it. but honestly, right now i think i'm just so confused as to how it's even remotely fair of Him to pull this little girl away. she was eleven days shy of turning one. she was so young and yet He still felt the need to take her away? why does it always seem like it's either the real youngs ones or the most Godly people alive that suffer the most? how is that even fair?

new address

www.4thel0ve.wordpress.com

come visit :)

moving on

i hate how i haven't felt free to write on here anymore. i can't write my true thoughts because i know now that people read this and then get upset. and so, i've decided to stop writing on this blog. however, i am not completely giving up blogging. i have started a new blog- however, it has a new theme. it's my photography blog. with all my pictures that i take that i like.. and so, if you'd like to follow that one, feel free to ask me for the website address. and i'd love to give it to you.

email me @ country_girll211[at]hotmail[dot]com

see you all around!

ps. i will still be keeping up with your blogs :) dont worry! :)

gerbia daisies

daisies have always been my favorite flower. ever.

so today, when i saw these, i just couldn't pass them up.

-

and i bought them for my mom. and she loved them.

as did i.

so i took lots of pictures.. and decided to share some with you.

"let me out"

i've been feeling a little restless lately. i love my family and i love my home but lately i just want to get out. i want to have my own house and my own family. and i dont know if i even want it here. i want to go places, and see things. sometimes, i feel like just getting in my car and driving. driving to the first town that speaks out to me and says, "this is where you belong". of course, i suppose i cant do that. it has always been a dream though. maybe one day ill decide to do it, just for a few months or so.

so now, im trying to think of what i can do to stop this feeling.

i talked to mom. she said go on a vacation. yea but with who!? all my friends are either working or dont have the money to go. the only person i really want to see the world with is dan. but since we arent married, that doesnt exactally work. and it wouldnt exactally work to just marry him and then pack up and leave. i mean, we hardly have money. we arent even close to our $10,000 goal! so how on earth would that work?

then mom said to keep working and save money. she said maybe in the process you'll meet someone who will want to travel with you. or maybe the desire will pass. i doubt it. ive been wanting to "get out" for a while.

i feel stuck. stuck in the same old routine every single day. seeing the same people, doing the same things.

i dont know. whats your suggestions? have you ever felt like this before? and what did you do?

buddy and miller

im sitting here in this house- by myself. okay, okay. so im not completely by myself. i mean there are two dogs locked away in the garage for the night. and they have become my steady roomates lately. and in some ways i really do enjoy it. however, theres only so much i can take of two humongous dogs that insist on chasing rabbits in the field while i stand on the concrete walkway in my pj pants and hoodie. not to mention my bare feet since i was only planning on dashing out there to feed them for a quick second. yea, it gets just a tad bit chilly. or well, more like a whole lot chilly! and while i stand there yelling, "buddy!!! buuuuuddddyyy!!! BUDDY!" i think, o great. i am going to be late for work! great. just great! of course, im calling buddy and not miller because miller doesnt care at all and buddy is a sucker for attention. so im hoping he will desire some loving and come running back for a good pet or so. and perhaps, just maybe, miller will follow. of course, it doesnt work like that. thankfully, after about ten minutes of freezing my toes off on cold concrete, the dogs come back. not for me though. for the water in their bowls and the food in their dishes. and i happily lock them in their kennels and dash for the house. and the warm carpet there. and maybe a few seconds back under my blankets? cuz you know, im a tad late already. why not be a few more minutes late?! and after the whole ordeal, im stupid enough to walk out there the following morning (and every morning after that) in my pj pants, hoodie and oh! cant forget my bare feet, and im stupid enough to allow the dogs to come out of their kennel because i cant help but think maybe they wont take off today cuz i dont see no rabbits! and of course, miller having eagle eyes, spots one and takes off. and of course, i stand there again calling out for buddy and waiting rather impatiently for them to return to their daily staples.

the sad thing is- i actually enjoy it. and although im not too sure id ever want two dogs if i ever lived on my own, i wouldnt mind having at least one. a rottweiler perhaps? a loving rottweiler that wont go chasing rabbits because he will be too concerned about eating his food so he can get fat, and then sleeping.

yup, i enjoy this.

memories

rox. me. arnie. at a 'canes game!

canes vs kootney

cant help but miss working with them :)

** picture taken from arnie's website **