what would you do?!

lately ive been watching this tv show called "friday night lights". im only a few disks into the season but its caused me to stop and think about one thing. if a loved one got seriously hurt, would i still be there for them, or would i step away? or perhaps, would i outwardly be there but inwardly be backing away?

its a difficult question- one id like to think i have the proper answer for. id like to think id be there both outwardly and inwardly. after all, i loved them for who they were; why couldnt i continue loving them for who they were?

all i know is this:
it would be extremely hard, no matter who the person was.

think about it. do you love this person enough to still be there for them if something serious happens? or would you run the other way then?

out there

it was during a game of twenty-one questions that dan asked me the following question: if you could go anywhere by yourself, where would you go? now normally i would have said arizona, or iowa or nevada, or perhaps even hawaii. but i didnt. my decision was swayed that day to ontario. im not 100% sure but at the same time i have an idea as to why.

facebook (which i had intended to quit but, due to my low levels of self discipline, am still on) allows me to talk to my friends back in ontario. of course, it's not the only source but it is a major tool that i use for that purpose.

my graduation is in a few days over a month. back in ontario, my former classmates are also planning their grad. but i wont be there. i wont get to stand up there with them and i wont get to see the pretty dress that est will be wearing. i wont get to smile out on this huge crowd full of people i've grown up surrounded by. instead, ill be graduating with a new class. one that i love equally as much, if not more, but that doesnt contain those people i miss.

out there is the potential for new memories with those people. that potential sits locked away, awaiting the day i return there for a short visit. awaiting the day someone decides to come visit me. simply awaiting.

back then everything seemed so simple. "obviously" i'd be going to the frc church for the rest of my life. "obviously" id marry a guy from that same church. "obviously" id grow up happily in lynden with all my childhood friends. "obviously" i would continue working at the greenhouse along-side bre and her dad. "obviously" we'd hangout together every saturday until we had boyfriends. and then, "obviously" we'd go on double dates. "obviously" kelly would always be there with a smile, joke and hug. "obviously" j.e.b. would rein forever!

and yet, all those "obviously's" arent anything anymore. it's all back there in ontario.

dont get me wrong. i love alberta. i absolutely do! but there are so many things out there that make me wish i could be there, even just for a day.

since my family has moved, three of my cousins have gotten married. i wasnt at any of those weddings. since i moved two of my cousins have had babies (one of them has had two already!) and one is expecting her second. i havent met them yet. out there spring banquets are happening without me. grad plans are being made without me.

yes, if i could go anywhere right now, it would be ontario. just to visit. just to be there, again.

just random stuff about me

i may as well start with my name, although most of you know it anyways. my real, official birth certificate name is jessica elizabeth rienstra. most people call me jess. a few people (mostly at work) call me jessie. dan's sister calls me bob occasionally (do not ask me why because i really dont know!). dad use to call me jessie bessie or yasha. kelly calls me jessmika. many people spell my last name wrong- reisntra. i before e except after c people!! and then the way people pronounce my last name?! wow! ryn-stra. rye-een-stra. very interesting :)
then there's people like mel who like to spell my name with a k. jessika. or jessicka like on one of the valentines day cards i got in grade four.
you know, my middle name was actually suppose to be elisabeth. but something happened that made it the ordinary elizabeth.

i think i could say i use to be quiet. really, really quiet. i had my few friends and that was basically it. that is, until i went to the public school for grade nine. thats when i met kelly. she was loud. and when i say loud i mean loud! she pretty much changed me into a loud, more outgoing person i think. and im glad. because when i moved out to alberta and needed to make friends, being outgoing and loud helped. i cant imagine how it would have gone if i had been quiet and shy!

there was a note going around on facebook where you had to post twenty random facts about yourself. well, here's my twenty random facts.

1. i love lightning storms. no rain. no thunder. just lightning. why?! because its like fireworks, except better!
2. i love old trucks.
3. coffee is okay. tea is better. steeped tea, double-double at tim hortons.
4. i love taking pictures, especially of scenery.
5. i have a scar on my waist. its from the time when me, est, mich and mel were racing our bikes down weir road and i fell and spun in the gravel on bare skin. ouch!
6. i usually listen to country or pop
7. i hate being the last one awake. then i get all nervous and make every sound and creak into something way bigger than it actually is.
8. my favorite type of pizza is just plain old pepperoni and cheese :) yum!!
9. my favorite color is red. its bright :) i also like yellow and orange because they all remind me of the sun.
10. ive been bitten by a dog before. in the elbow.
11. i enjoy blogging or writing in my journal. it helps me sort my feelings out.
12. i just plain old enjoy writing. anything.
13. i own lots of books and keep buying more. i hope to have an entire wall (or two!) full of books one day!
14. i dont want to go to college or university. i just want to get married and be a mom and aunt and everything else like that.
15. i like my handwriting
16. i use my cellphone alot
17. i live for when dan will be done work so he can come hangout :P
18. i dont mind doing things. but when someone tells me i have to do it, then i get upset.
19. my favorite tv show ever is friday night lights! dan and i bought season one and two.
20. i dont like sushi. ive never had it :)

letting go isnt easy

admitting this wont be easy, because well.. it hurt. but maybe in the end its best. or maybe in the end ill learn something from it.
yesterday i was sitting in my car when my phone rang. rosewood. maybe i was getting another shift?! so i picked it up and greeted tilly cheerfully. and was cheerful about the idea of another shift until she informed that "im not satisfied with your cooking. i think you've been given enough time in the kitchen to figure it out and im still not satisfied so you wont be needing to come back". ouch.
honestly guys, i didnt think my cooking was THAT bad but apparently it was? i still dont think it was. i asked what she ment by it and she brought up one example.
two weeks ago when i last cooked i served stewing meat. and ill admit, im not very good at telling meats apart. it doesnt help that these packages tilly buys dont come labeled. anyways, so this stewing meat was the only meat she had left to thaw in the fridge. so i had to use it. i guess it wasnt cooked for a bajillion hours like it was suppose to be cuz apparently someone complained to her that it was too tough.
but really, is that worth firing me over?!
and the fact is, everyone else that works always tells me its good. so whats the underlying motive for firing me?
and she never eats my cooking cuz we never work together...
besides, the boss isnt even around. shouldnt she be the one firing me?

anyways, this post wasnt suppose to be about me complaining about how i got fired. i accept the fact, even though it bothers me. and i came up with a bunch of plus sides to it anyways :) like the fact that now i wont have to work a sunday again :) or now i wont have to worry about getting sick there and having nobody to take my shift! because man, other than rach, they sure dont take shifts very easily! and now i wont have to see the annoying resident who complains about absolutely EVERYTHING as she sits in her little chair in the dining room, fixing her make-up and telling me i go to the bathroom too much!

i think what bothers me the most right now is that i wont be able to see my favorite resident ever again. after all, would you return to the place where you got fired just for a visit!? i dont think so.
i cant disclose her name for privacy sake and stuff but i think im allowed to tell you about her. she really was special :) she always greeted me in the morning with a "hello dear" and a huge grin on her face. she'd watch me stir her butter and salt into her bowl of oatmeal telling me "that looks good. is that for me?" and i'd always say, "yes ___, it is". and then she would eat it all up and occasionally ask for more. she never drank coffee; it always had to be tea. we shared drinking tea in common :) and then the care aids would help her to the lazy boy in the living room where she would curl up and fall asleep. id usually go help her with whatever i could when she would call out. at lunch i'd usually join her at her table, along with another care aid. and we'd talk about everything going on in our lives. and she'd always sit there eating, occasionally looking up with a smile or a short comment.
its not going to be easy not seeing her ever again. shes always going to be in my heart. always. and im glad i had the chance to meet her and have her touch my life.

of course, my pride has taken a little battering because of the whole "im not satisfied with your cooking". dan's done his share of insisiting i do know how to cook and that he's tasted many good meals from me (although he's only ever eaten three things ive made. but still... it made me happy to know he thinks im capable of it!).

im not very good at picking out the good things in bad things that happen to me. im working at it though. i guess what i want to leave you with is this: "there's ALWAYS a silver lining". always.

nrc or frc?

so dan and i have a big decision ahead of us. one that may affect us for the rest of our lives. which just makes the whole deciding part that much harder. i think another reason we arent jumping to make the decision is because we both want it our way. dan wants to go to his church because thats where he grew up and i want to go to mine because thats how i was brought up. but is there really even that great a difference between the nrc (netherlands reformed church) and the frc (free reformed church)? as far as i can tell, not really. i mean sure, the nrc sings slower and they dont use people's names when they pray, but that shouldnt be the reasoning behind me saying my church is better. as far as i can tell, the preaching is very similar (although maybe its just rev. sonnevelt who preaches more like our church does?!). my dad said he can see the frc becoming more liberal in their ways. like in what they sing, what version of the Bible they read, the issue of hats, etc. however, he said he can see the nrc staying more conservative, longer.

i just really am not sure what our decision's answer is going to be. we cant chose a church just to make our parents happy. it has to be our decision and what we feel is right. but what is right?

my weird home ideas... for one day?!

so dan and i have talked about building one day on a piece of land his dad would possibly lease out to us. we've even checked out a modular home company and somewhat narrowed down what kind of floor plan and home style we want. kinda. of course, nothing is for sure yet. we just enjoy talking about it and dreaming and thinking of all the what if's.
me- always the interior decorator at heart. ive come up with a bunch of weird decorating ideas that maybe ill incorporate into my home decorating one day.
take for instance, my kitchen table idea. im not very well at wording things and ive tried to explain to a few people this idea. i think they understood and so im hoping you will too. you know those stone pillar/column things people have in their gardens? the ones that are wide at the bottom and narrower in the middle, leading up to a wider, flat top? well im going to find one or two of those. then i need a door. yes, a door! (which will be laid over the columns) im going to paint it a bright, refreshing red. over top of the door i'll lay a piece of glass so that it'll be flat for eating :) it would make a great conversation piece for dinner parties and it would add to the uniqueness i want to display throughout my future home. besides that, it would add color and fun to a work place.
then theres my coffee table in den idea. either that or just hang it behind a picture frame on a wall somewhere. but ill explain the coffee table idea. my parents living room coffee table is wood with a huge piece of glass over it. i want something like that, however more simple and casual. under the piece of glass ill put a map of canada and the states. then on all our road trips/day trips, ill highlight the roads we travel (in a different color for each trip). for each different color/trip ill have a photo album in that color, (so blue trip= blue photo album) full of pictures from that specific trip. i just love that idea because it gives people a visual of where we went, as well as the pictures from the trip showing what we all did. and besides that, its a memory for us as to where we've all been and what we all did.
then theres my headboard idea. why spend so much money on a fancy headboard when you can buy a nice picture frame and hang that on the wall above ur bed where the headboard would usually be? im not sure yet if id just hang an empty frame above it just as something, or if i'd put a matching piece of fabric into the frame. but either way, as far as i know it would be cheaper.
my master ensuit. i personally like this idea but i know at least one of the people i told this idea to thought i was weird. i want a huge shower. like wall to wall, tiled shower with glass doors also from wall to wall. and in that shower, off to the side, i want a claw-foot bathtub. in the shower! im not sure why really, except that its different and i think it would be cool. and then you only get the "wet" area wet when you step out of the bathtub, instead of the entire bathroom floor.
and i have my crazy indoor garden idea. i didnt make it up myself. our old house (or rather, our old, old house since it was two houses ago) had a huge indoor garden along the front hall walls. it had all sorts of greenery in it and it was just different and cool all at the same time :) im not sure if ill actually do that in my house though. mostly cuz im not a big gardener person. and besides, putting sky-lights in are expensive.
so there you have it. my weird, unique ideas that you'll probably laugh at. but maybe one day you'll see them become more than just ideas. you'll see them in my house as facts. as reality.
and trust me. these arent my only ideas. theres more. way more. like having two "islands" in my kitchen and how that would work. having most kitchen cabinets a pale yellow or so with just one top row a bright red (to match the door table of course!!), my bookshelf wall that will hopefully be full (or almost full) of books one day- books my friends can borrow and pour over any time they desire to. you havent heard my outdoor ideas. the one with the cows roaming around my house, being kept on the property by a fence and texas gate, and being kept out of my little piece of property also with more fencing and yet another texas gate. you havent heard dan's desires to have at least one wall full of animal heads and his archery awards. or our loft area with our pool table and all that stuff so all our friends can come hangout friday evenings. yup.. you definitely havent heard the first of it!! or the last :)

post two: grad invitations equals lots of talk

eight girls.
rox's house.
approximately two hundred grad invitations.
four hours making them.
lots of cutting.
lots of glue.
lots of putting into envelopes, sorting, and counting.
and LOTS of talk.
all this equals an awful lot of time spent reminiscing and talking about the future. it made me realize that i should enjoy the days i have right now, i should remember the good memories with smiles and laughs, and i should look forward to the future but also be realistic about it, knowing things may not happen as i have them planned.
all eight of us are unique individuals. every single person in the world is. but tonite made me realize that even more. all of us girls are on separate paths, going into different directions and making our own plans. they make us who we are. they make us shelly, lee, rox, rach, sus, lana, mich and jess.
shelly seems to really have her life planned out. shes been accepted into dordt college and is planning on majoring in music. im asuming that her plans include teaching music one day. im happy for her that shes happy with her plans, and that they're falling into place for her.
lee has calv and i think theyre still planning on getting married. they're promised and working to put theyre future into motion. lee also has dreams of going to australia on a visa to work and travel and just basically see australia, something shes always wanted to do. but it depends on what happens with calv and her i guess.
rox has brad. and her work at the old age home where i work. shes still waiting to see if shes been accepted into her course for nursing. im sure she will get accepted and excel in that course. shes going to make a fantastic nurse one day! mark my words.
too be honest i dont really know whats happening with rach. i just know shes working at tim hortons and saving for a car. im sure she has big plans for her life and i hope she'll be happy with what happens in her future.
sus is enjoying her time travelling with her brother as well as working at the guesthouse as a waitress. i cant wait to see what happens with her life. who she'll fall for. who'll she'll marry. everything.
lana really seems to have it all together. shes got her boyfriend, derek, who shes planning on marrying next summer (although he doesnt know that yet!!). shes got a job at rosewood, the old age home where rox and i work. shes working on her nursing course and is going to be a fantastic nurse. she already is!
mich seems anti-boy :P but has big plans to go to africa one day, or anywhere really thats in need. i cant wait to meet my future brother in law and to see her kids waddling around one day in diapers :)
and then theres me. i think i dream more than i act. and i think sometimes i dream un-realistically. and sometimes those dreams end up hurting me but im starting to understand that things will fall into place for me, all in their own special times. i love dan more than life itself and cant wait to start the rest of my future with him. right now, im just enjoying dreaming about the wedding and the house we might build, our kids, our married life, and well... everything. i guess we will see how that sets out. realistically i have to realize that things may not go as planned. at all. for all i know, ill end up an old spinster!!!!
wow. i sure hope not! :)

her name is amy. shes awesome.

happy 19th birthday ames!!

today, out in BC, amy is celebrating her 19th birthday.... without me :( but that's okay because in three weeks i get to see her and hopefully it'll be just like old times. cant wait! :)

i met amy the year i moved out here to windy alberta. it was new years eve and she had come out to visit a super great friend of mine, leanna (who we all call lana). lana introduced us and well, we hit it off right away :) since then we've made many great memories (as well as some not so great memories) and i hope that as the years go on we continue to make millions more!

ames: remember the first new years eve at our house? calling matt to say happy new years and him being grumpy cuz he was already sleeping :) haha or my weird accent which you video taped and i believe is on ur facebook?! take that off!!! haha

remember our way up to blue bronna? making duck bills out of pringles? haha wow!

or our day at the moonriver beach. my little rock garden that i built. us just sitting there tanning, talking, reading. being lazy :) we have to repete that lots this summer!

or our "double" dates, except it was more me and george tagging along because you and matt werent actually suppose to be dating. like playing mini golf. or me and george sitting in the truck waiting for you two to say good-bye when really, we were spying on you.

spying!! haha lana and i "bird-watching" at camp. only jeff caught on when lana and i were talking about how we needed binoculars and a notebook :) haha

and ames? im glad we found your hoop earring in that mess of long grass and trees. i know how much it means to you :) and im sorry if i was kinda grumpy about it at the time.

i love all our silly conversations that we've had in the past and if i sit back and think about it, i can still hear your cute giggle. cant wait till i can hear it for real!!

but ames, the bad times have sorta pulled us apart. further apart then i ever ment for us to happen. and im sorry. i really, really am. because i let my friend go. and i shouldnt have. i really was just trying to look out for you. i really did feel that what i was saying to you was correct. and honestly, i still think its the truth. but im glad that you are happy. that things between you two are okay again. and i hope that things work out for you the way you have them planned. i hope he never breaks your heart because if he does.. well he better watch it!

amy beth, i love you super super super much.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

my farming experiences and thrills

something has always drawn me to the idea of farming, despite the fact that ive always realized that its not all fun and games. this past year has brought me closer to this farming experience and ive realized that there really are many great things about it.

dan bought approximately twenty-one pregnant heifers these past couple months and within those months he's watched a few calves die and a few survive. watching a heifer give birth to twins and then knock them over every time they attempt to stand isnt fun. neither is knowing you cant do anything because the heifer wont let you into the pen to rescue the innocent calves.

however, the other day i had the privillege of watching dan try bottle feeding a calf. it wasnt working too well but at the same time it made me smile to see such a young life still alive.

i've also gotten to witness dan assist his dad in delivering a calf (although it came out dead). sometimes, their farm ways make me laugh and shudder all at the same time. this heifer was having a hard time delivering her already dead calf. so dan pulled up in the gator and hooked it up to the calves legs. mr. slingerland hooked the heifer up to the fence with a chain and dan stepped on it. out came the calf. remind me never to let dan be my doctor when im pregnant and in labor!!

but not all of my farming experiences have involved calves. the summer time is usually busiest for farmers, with harvesting and all. i spent quite a few evenings and nights in the tractor, sitting on the extra seat beside dan and driving up and down silage piles. i will say this. its scary. not all the time since the thrill of being up high is exciting. but when dan packs those edges and the tractor is almost off the edge... lets just say i usually grab the handle and hold on. or dans arm and squeeze it tight :)

i also have to say this. i LOVE auctions and whenever dan goes, i try go with him. if im not busy working or something of course. i have no idea what makes them so exciting and cool for me but whatever the case is, i love them. and probably always will.

all-in-all im thankful im dating a farmer (although even if dan wasnt a farmer i would still love him just as much as i do now). doing so has given me many thrills and experiences.



ps. my wishes seem to be coming true! the weather is beautiful today and the sun is shining amazingly :) maybe we'll go for a great walk around henderson lake!

paitently awaiting summer

im sitting here listening to the wind howling and i cant help but notice the few spots of snow that are yet covering our front lawn. its march. march 13th to be exact and the sad thing is theres still snow and still threat of more snow! im not going to lie. i am being 100% honest when i say im SICK of winter and i would LOVE it if spring and summer would hurry theirselves up!

out here its all about skiing/snowboarding throughout the winter months. saturday nights is skating for an hour and a half and most of the reformed kids end up there for the cost of 3.50 per person. but one can only skate so long and so many weeks in a row before they get tired of it. before they long for spring when the skates can be replaced with rollerblades. the sweaters can be replaced with tank tops. the jeans with shorts. the tights/nylons with bare legs. freedom! ah i can not wait :)

trying to think of something to do during evenings seems so much more challenging in the winter. really, what is there to do in lethbridge when the weather is cold and the lakes are frozen? however the summer seems to bring along its endless possibilites. walks around henderson lake. rollerblading down in the river bottom at indian battle park. ice cream :) boating at stafford lake or on the old man or really, wherever theres enough water. camping and campfires. just laying on the grass staring up at the sky. hanging out at the beach behind our house.

i realize that i should try to find good things with winter. but the only good thing i can think of is the fact that following it is spring and summer.

i really cant wait.

new blog. yesterday. one year. court.

im not sure how to start of this new blog. all im going to say is ill try my best to keep it up. and if i put you to sleep.. well here are my apologies in advance!

yesterday proved itself to be a rather bad day (as i predicted already at 6:30 in the morning! "jessica rienstra thinks today is going to be a bad day"). i ended up going to work and making lunch for the old folks only to become sick and spend at least an hour or so of time in the bathroom wishing i could just go home. and of course, nobody could take my shift. at least none of the regular kitchen people. i must say i am very thankful for "family" out here. or well.. dan's family. theyve proven on a few occasions to be very helpful and loving people and i am grateful that i didnt fall into the hands of a horrible, mean family! ANYWAYS, dan's cousin, rachel, willingly showed up to complete my shift so that i could go home and fall into the comforting arms of sleep. (and later the comforting arms of dan as he sat on our couch all evening letting me sleep with my head in his lap while he re-read a book off my shelf).

thankfully today has proven to be a much better day, with me feeling 99% better (thanks to two advils i downed this morning, as well as a biscuit and cup of tea that mom lovingly made for me. what would we do without moms?! im glad i dont have to find out). and to top it off today is march 12, 2009! ur probably wondering why that even matters or perhaps you've already guessed from the title of this rambling blog. but ill just say it just to confirm your guesses and to supply an answer to those wondering. today is the day that dan and i get to celebrate one year of happiness (mostly anyways. there were a few non-happy occasions but they build a relationship into what it is). exactally one year ago dan and i were rollerblading at indian battle park (i was wearing a short sleeve shirt and capris! can you believe it? if only the weather was that nice now!! although i cant complain. its beautiful out there!). today is exactally one year ago that he told me there was no other girl out there for him because he was pretty sure the only girl he wanted was me :) and im going to tell you, im pretty sure that ive fallen in love with him more and more over the past 365 days! he's proven to be very caring and loving over and over again. not to mention the millions of times hes made me laugh and smile, despite the fact that i totally wasnt in the mood to do either. hes given me a life time full of memories all in one year and i cant wait till the coming years to see what else his goofy mind will come up with :) he's the love of my life and i am so thankful that i met him. even though we were both pretty sure we didnt ever want another boyfriend/girlfriend at the time.

while the whole anniversary aspect made this day great already, there is yet another fact. i was somewhat nervous about my trial (that word in itself made me worried and thinking bad thoughts!!). i was scheduled to appear in the fort macleod court at 10:00 in the morning for my speeding ticket from october 19. and so me and my mom got into our "lovely" boat (the new yukon which personally... ew) and off to fort macleod we went. i had been caught doing 75 in a 50 zone and had a $150 ticket. ouch? yes. but i was pretty sure there was no way i was going remotely that fast! so thats why i had decided to fight it. however, i was informed by the court defence that lazers are very accurate. theres zippo room for error. so i suppose i must have been going that fast after all :( but thankfully mr. nice guy got the judge to drop one of my demmerits (leaving me with two instead of three!) as well as made my ticket only $57!! i'd say i got off lucky :) and the sweet thing is.. after my ticket i gotta sit and watch some other guy argue his ticket out. cept he actually gotta go through the entire "witness" and "cross-examining the witness" thing. not fair!!!