helpless

lately i just feel really helpless. over half a year ago i couldn't stop the crash from happening. i couldn't stop the boy from going through the months of rehab just so he could do a simple thing like walk again. and currently, i cant stop the cancer from spreading through a dearly loved husband, father, and grandfather. i couldn't stop a son and brother from having this accident tonight. and i couldn't stop God from taking a little girl away from her family.

you see, the last one really shook me up. i didn't even know the one year old little girl. i didn't even know her parents. all i knew was that one day she was there and the next day she was gone. one day she was healthy and the next she wasn't. and when i found out she died, i just felt a tiny part of my heart die right along with her.

i've wanted to be a mom for quite a while. not right away, since i'm only seventeen, but definitely one day. and then i hear she died and suddenly i felt scared and sad and angry and just really, completely and utterly helpless.

i would sit in church just thinking about how hard it must be for her parents. one week their little girl is playing with her toys, sitting in her little chair at the table with her mommy and daddy, or even perhaps crying at night. and then the next week it's quiet. she's just gone.

i couldn't help but place myself in her mom's shoes and picture my little girl all of a sudden not being there. that all of a sudden i could sleep through the entire night because my little girl wasn't alive anymore to cry and wake me up. and yet if i were really in her mom's shoes, i know i wouldn't be able to sleep at all because i would be so lost and heartbroken without my baby.

the whole idea of losing my child scared me so badly that i told dan i didn't want to have kids anymore. i think me saying it to him hurt him. but at the time that's what i was really feeling. the idea of having a child, only to have it live for nine months terrified me. i know that i'm not strong enough to stand through that kind of pain; that kind of separation and hurt.

and i know that most of you who read this are going to tell me that when the time comes, God will be there. that if one day He decides to give me a child, only to take it back to Himself a short while later, that it's okay because it's His plan. that although it may not seem like it, He really does have a purpose for it. but honestly, right now i think i'm just so confused as to how it's even remotely fair of Him to pull this little girl away. she was eleven days shy of turning one. she was so young and yet He still felt the need to take her away? why does it always seem like it's either the real youngs ones or the most Godly people alive that suffer the most? how is that even fair?